I’m Ryan and I’m an introvert. I know that everyone has capacities of both introversion and extroversion and our general society hates to say that someone is one thing, but far and away, introversion is my jam. I’m fine in social settings and enjoy people, but my energy comes from a small group of people and deep connection, instead of crowds and a lot of talking. As an introvert though, I’ve had to think about the size of my circle.
Our circle is the metaphorical boundary we draw around the people we hold close in life. Think of Jack’s “circle of trust” from Meet the Fockers. These are the people you call first if you have something to celebrate or a tragedy to walk through. They are those who know they can call on you for whatever they need, and you’ll at least take the time to answer. Your circle is your primary weapon against loneliness.
So, how big is your circle? Is it your wife, dog, and mom – a worthy trio? Or have you expanded it over the years to include some friends from high school and a college buddy or two? Maybe you have a fishing friend that has joined the ranks of your circle through time on the river. I wonder if your circle has expanded in recent years or collapsed. For many American men, it has collapsed so far that loneliness is the only person in there with them. For others, social media has fooled them into believing that their circle is huge with hundreds or thousands of people.
Research has shown that teams of 4, 5, or 6 are the most productive (https://hbr.org/2012/08/why-less-is-more-in-teams) in the workplace. Might there be a reason Special Operations forces tend to operate in teams of at most 16 – a single platoon – or more commonly 4-5 in a fire team? I think so. I’m sure you’ve heard that you are the combination of the five people you spend the most time with. None of these numbers indicate that your circle can have hundreds of people. You simply don’t have the time and energy to pour into that many people. You can post sweet Instagram stories for that many to read but that’s about it.
So that leaves us with two important things to consider. One, we better be selective with our circle because there is some kind of limit on it. Two, we should draw a bigger circle to help more men have real relationships that optimize their lives, but we have to do it with intention.
Be Selective
I want to speak on this topic more in a future piece but for now, it’s worth at least scratching the surface of being selective. In my research on leadership and brotherhood, I’ve found that the men in brotherhood matter more than anything else. There is a very good reason that the Army has Ranger School as its primary leadership course. It’s physically challenging for sure but from what I’ve read, it most importantly separates out those who are only focused on themselves. In most high performing teams, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. Being selective isn’t a way to find the men who are “on your level” in some sort of ego kick about how awesome you are. It’s searching for the men who focus on others and kill their ego when necessary to help the tribe improve. Find these kinds of men, draw your circle around them, and your life will get stronger. I promise. More to come on this idea later…
Draw the Circle with Intention
I recently watched, Only the Brave – the true story of the Granite Mountain Hot Shots who lost 19 of their 20 members in the Yarnell Hill fire of 2013. I cried when the movie ended and am in no way ashamed to admit it. The story of the only survivor, Brendan McDonough, truly struck me because brotherhood among the Hot Shots saved his life. He went from a drug-addicted kid on a path for jail or the grave, to a hero and the holder of the memories of those 19 other men. Not everyone wanted Brendan on the team at first but the Supervisor, Eric Marsh, saw a piece of himself in Brendan and drew his circle a little bigger to enclose him and bring him back to life. Marsh didn’t choose Brendan because he was the best there was, he chose him on purpose because he knew that there was a life on the line.
We might not face such decisions with our own circle, but they are important no matter what. When you draw your circle or expand it, be intentional. Think about what you might bring to each person’s life and what they offer you. The temptation is to only ask, “what could they do for me?” Don’t go there. You can learn from anyone and it’s your job to do so, not their job to bring it right away. This takes a two-sided coin. On the one side, you have to have the humility to recognize that everyone has something to offer. Each person is designed with special talents and gifts so they will be better than you at something and you have to be o.k. with that. On the opposite side, you have to recognize that is also true of you. Be confident that you offer great things to the men around you and be ready to freely give of those gifts.
Eric Marsh saw that Brendan brought motivation to change his life. He just had a daughter and finally had reason to become the man he was designed to be. On the other hand, Brendan knew his life was messy, but he also still had the skills and drive to push through the pain and ridicule to join the Hotshots. Both men drew their circles a little bit bigger to offer their gifts to one another and the whole team.
So, I ask you, how big is your circle? Are you actively seeking ways to expand your circle? I hope you can see that drawing a bigger circle is vital for brotherhood but shouldn’t be done without consideration. You have greatness to offer the world but also lots to learn. If your circle is tightly drawn just around yourself, drop your ego. Let go of the grudges and fear of letting people in. If you feel like your circle is really big but full of folks that you can’t truly rely on, feel free to consider tightening it up. The goal isn’t to have the most friends. We’re after quality, not quantity. I was in the Seattle airport earlier this week, surrounded by large quantities of people, yet felt completely lonely because of the lack of quality – I didn’t really know anyone. Fighting loneliness happens in the quality of your circle, not the quantity.
Your Friday Challenge
I’ve got a step challenge for you this weekend. Start by drawing two circles on a piece of paper – one inside the other like the Target logo. Write the names of the people you’d consider to be in your current circle inside the large circle (leave the center circle empty for now). Include yourself and go from there. Once you have that done:
- Write the names of the men you consider to be brothers, or closest friends, in the center circle. These should come from the bigger group you just wrote out in the large circle.
- Add the names of the men in your life that you want to draw your circle around (use a different color if you can). Maybe this is the coworker that has asked you to hang out after work, but you’ve never had the time or a mentor you’ve hesitated to contact.
- For the names you added to the center circle first, let them know that they are there. Send a text – even to just one – and celebrate the fact that you have another guy in your life that you consider trustworthy and let them know the value they add to your life.
- For at least one of the new names, reach out to them too. You can even let them know that you’re doing this exercise to break the ice (see below on how I called an old friend of mine to share what I was up to, make plans to get together, and draw my circle a little bigger with him included)
Have a great weekend but use it to draw a bigger, more intentional circle. If we let life just happen, we’re almost guaranteed to face loneliness and no number of followers can help. You have to take action; you have to draw your circle actively.
How I drew a bigger circle this week:
When I did the above exercise for myself, I realized that in my second color was the name of a friend that I wished was in my first round of adding names, but I couldn’t honestly put him there at first. We had a great friendship but had barely spoken in over a year. Instead of adding him and thinking, “eh, it’s solid friendship, no big deal” or leaving him off, I decided to act and draw my circle a little bigger to bring him in. I picked up the phone, and like a true millennial, texted him to see if he had time to chat on the phone later that day. He did.
When he picked up, I gave him the rundown. “Hey man, too long since we caught up. I was doing this exercise today to consider my circle of close friends and I realized I wanted to add you to the close circle but felt like we’ve lost touch. I’ve always appreciated that you know me from a time when few people do. Your perspective, knowing me from high school all the way to now is too valuable to let go. I know it’s a crazy time of life, as it always is, but I’m hoping we could catch up and grab some food when I get back to town.” The conversation moved from there and he shared that he had actually been feeling the same recently when a memory of high school had come up in conversation with his girlfriend. Now we’re getting together soon and I confidently drew my circle bigger for him to join.
Yup, it was that simple. You can do that, right?