As this quarantine continues to go on, I think spending a weekly post on the first of our principles is appropriate. After all, the people we love most are now our coworkers, work out partners, lunch table group, and pretty much everything else. This new set-up has called for some real reflection of what operating with love looks like on a day-to-day basis.
In conversation with one of the men in my LIFE Council this week, the topic of independence versus dependence in our relationships came up. It’s something that is talked about a lot in normal times but is showing up even more now. We want to avoid codependence in our relationship, where we live and breathe only because the other person lives and breathes. We also want to avoid complete independence in our relationship because that’s called, you know, “being single”.
It seems the current moment that we are living is an incredible petri dish to study this phenomenon. Most married and other co-living couples are spending more time together than ever and that brings small pieces of our relationships to the forefront. I’m thinking this weekend would be a good chance to think about where we fall on the spectrum of dependence, where our other half falls, and what it means to “meet in the middle”.
In my marriage, I tend to be more independent. Before we got married, I was a single guy living in a basement apartment and I was fine. I liked doing my own thing, chasing goals, and being my introverted self. My wife is also independent but is better at balancing that with time together and relying on one another for parts of our life. If I want to move a mountain, I always try to do it myself even though it would be better with her by my side – old habits die hard, I guess. For us to meet in the middle, I actually give in and yield to her style more often than not. I’m not simply falling at her feet and doing whatever she wants, but I am secure enough to recognize that she’s right and I need to work on it. I try to be intentional about saying “yes” to activities she comes up with for us to do together even if I would rather be writing or working on something. Because she is also independent, it’s not overwhelming at all and I think she’s found the sweet spot and I need to meet her there.
For you, this could be very different. If you’re more prone to codependence but your partner is independent, there is a middle ground at which to meet. If you’re a strong independent but your partner is codependent there are conversations that need to be had in order to build a healthy life together. I think we can agree that codependence is not healthy and even though it’s sometimes celebrated, full independence doesn’t lead to a happy relationship either. Where do you stand and where should your relationship be if you hope to operate with love in this time of isolation?
Weekend Challenge
This weekend (it is the weekend right?!) take the time to first figure out where you stand on the dependence spectrum. Consider writing down your answers to these questions:
- When my partner wants to do something together, but I do not, how do I respond?
- When I want to do something but my partner does not, how do I respond?
- If my partner were to leave for a couple of weeks, how would it change my day-to-day life?
- If I told my partner that I needed time alone, what would happen in the 30 minutes after that conversation?
You don’t have to be a psychologist to start to see the trends in your answers here. You’ll begin to see where you and your partner both might stand on the dependence spectrum. But, this is really important, ask your partner to also think about some of these – lest you make assumptions and use your handy confirmation bias to pigeon hole them into something you already think.
After those explorations, make a list of three actions you can take this weekend to find a healthy balance on the spectrum for you as a couple. Some examples could be:
- Agreeing to spend a morning together but practicing individual time for a couple hours of work in the afternoon
- Making time Saturday afternoon to spend as a whole family (in my family growing up, we were super independent and never really spent time all together)
- Talk about the use of time – maybe you need to get up earlier to get a workout in because your partner needs time together over breakfast.
I don’t know what it is for you, but I know it will take intention and real conversation to figure it out and operate with love toward one another. What else do you have to do this weekend? You might as well start Monday with a stronger relationship than you’re ending Friday.
PS. I did my first every Podcast today with Troy Ismir of Brothers and Barbells this morning. We talked about faith, routines, reading, the LIFE Council, and more. It should be out Tuesday so be on the lookout for that!