This past week, I listened to an amazing podcast hosted by Tim Ferris with guest, Brené Brown (go listen in if you haven’t already). They covered an array of incredible topics from marriage – batching conversations with your spouse and meeting at 80/20 instead of 50/50 were genius – to Brené Brown’s love for movie trailers instead of full movies (could it be the new productivity hack?)
What struck me the most though was their conversation about the balance of self-acceptance and pursuit of excellence. It’s convenient that “excellence” was what they spoke about and it happens to be one of the four LIFE principles. I see men every day who really struggle with this issue. On the one side are the men who, I would say are a bit too self-accepting and have moved to complacency. My favorite mantra of this group is, “I am who I am, take it or leave it”. Let’s just put it out there: that makes no sense. You are who you are? There’s no room for improvement or change in any capacity? I don’t buy it now and I can’t imagine that I ever would. After all, you used to crawl and now you walk and run – I guess “I am who I am” really wouldn’t have worked out well then so why do you think it works now? If this is you, your mission is simple. Start taking a more honest look at your life and relationships. Stop living in the denial that you and perfection are synonymous
Let’s move on to the other side.
This is where the highest achieving people often end up in loneliness and despair. If you live here, you are probably highly driven and praised for incredible work-ethic. You chase down goals with absolute resolve and intensity. Sounds great, right? It can be but there’s a dark side. For those who consistently pursue excellence in all aspects of life, it is easy to forget that at times you need to accept yourself for who you are. I don’t claim to be the most successful (or anywhere even close) but I have always been a hard-charging person not satisfied with really anything in my life because I believe there is always room to get better.
Here’s the tough point – I still believe all of that. But I also know that a lack of self-acceptance results in anxiety, depression, fear, insecurity, and other ugly places in our heads. So how do I possibly hold these both at the same time? Where is the line between them? Can self-acceptance ever stay away from complacency and can the pursuit of excellence not become a parade of self-flagellation in the name of personal improvement?
The short answer: yes.
On the podcast, Tim Ferris posed the idea that there isn’t a “line” between the two at all. Instead, the goal is to make room for both excellence and acceptance. Our society loves the nostalgic idea of binary points. You either pursue excellence 100% or accept yourself no matter what. Now to be fair, I think the binary system works really well in a lot of areas but perhaps we’re capable of more nuanced thought in regard to our belief in ourselves.
Here’s what I mean. Earlier in my life, I was preparing to join the military and work toward a hopeful career in special operations. I was deep into training to be in the best shape I could before signing the dotted line (have I mentioned I probably overthink things?). Everything was going well until one moment, it wasn’t. Midway through a set of deadlifts that I had no business messing with (thank you to my ego on that one), I felt the dreaded “pop” all lifters fear and hit the floor in a permanent “L” shape. I learned later I had taken some serious damage to L5-S1 in my lower back. Mind you, I had been in the fitness profession for years before this and absolutely knew better. My dream of special forces was put on hold and, as life unraveled, never came to fruition. I struggled for years with that regret – one stupid rep and a whole plan changed course. It wasn’t so much the military itself but that I set a goal and didn’t get there, that really got to me. I wanted excellence and I could not accept my mental stupidity to get hurt or my physical limitations. Sure enough, I got reinjured a few years later training for a Spartan race. Welcome to the land of pursuing excellence without any room for acceptance.
Now, I am competing in Spartan and other events like it more and more. I pursue excellence in my training every day and love the mantra Tim Kennedy (@TimKennedyMMA) put out there to, “find your quitter and kill it.” I know some fitness pros will hate the idea of working like that, but it drives me to places I didn’t think I could go and is more mental than physical in its benefits for me. At the same time, I’ve made space to accept myself with the injuries I have. The first part of my workout looks like a cross between yoga and some weird band workout from the ’80s to get prepped. I give myself more time before races to get fully ready. I want to be the best and perform with the greatest, but I do so through acceptance of my weak point. I don’t settle for the weakness and I make sure to be in regular physical therapy and mobility work every single night. In fact, I pursue excellence most by knowing my weakness and attacking it like I would a race or challenge.
This weekend, take a few minutes to reflect on how you can make room for self-acceptance alongside your pursuit of excellence. Maybe it’s in your relationship. If you can never accept that you aren’t the perfect husband or boyfriend, good luck working toward it. You won’t be able to because the insecurity will handcuff you into anger, dismissiveness, or other relationship killers. Or maybe it’s as a dad. Can you accept that you can’t control everything your kid does and yet still pursue being the excellent parent you know you can? Could it be that you need to accept your friend might have more money or a better home-life than you yet still pursue the excellence to be supportive when he needs it instead of an envious jerk?
To fight loneliness and be a member of a strong LIFE Council, you have to accept yourself and pursue excellence at the same time. When your council calls on you, you better have the strength to answer and help them out (acceptance that you are able and powerful to help). But when they call you up to live a better life and be a better husband, you have to know that “I am who I am” is a crappy response and you can improve (pursue excellence).
Your Friday Challenge
Write down one issue in your life that you struggle with complacency or pushing for excellence so hard that it blinds you to anything good that you have within yourself. Either way, write it down and come up with two ways that you can learn to make room for both excellence and acceptance. Here’s an example:
Balance Issue:
I push so hard to be the “best” husband I can that I don’t accept where I can be excellent with what I already bring to our marriage.
Making Room for Balance:
1. Ask my wife what I do well in our marriage and don’t counter what she says with a “yea, but…” statement.
2. Cook breakfast for the family because I can accept that making some great scrambled eggs is in my wheelhouse even though “the best” husband might be the equivalent to Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen.
If you’ve read this far, you’re probably in the “excellence pursuing” category of men. By extension, that means there is a good chance that you’re already crushing it in some aspect of your life. Accept it. Lean into your strength. And never let it mean that you’re done. Go out, pursue excellence to be better than you were yesterday and make room to accept that you have massive greatness within you.