The LIFE Council is a powerful weapon against mediocrity, idleness, negativity, isolation, and general crappy personness. The Council was created to connect us with those who will hold us accountable for the people we can be, instead of just the people we are. Among the benefits though, there is one thing the LIFE Council can never do.
The LIFE Council can never, ever overcome the lies you tell yourself. When you look in the mirror, if you are willing to make excuses for the person looking back, the Council cannot possibly overcome it. If you lie to yourself, you lie to the Council, and the power of being stronger together is eliminated.
During my journey with the LIFE Council I have noticed some common lies we tell ourselves. They are areas of life that we will gladly make excuses and thereby block out anyone who tries to intervene. Ever been given feedback that you brushed off as “they just don’t really know me or the situation”? Yup…start paying attention then.
- “I have a right to feel this way”
Do you though? Do you have a right to be angry, frustrated, or distant?
I hear this one all the time. We love to think that our emotions are valid because they seem so to us. How could your anger not be warranted? Someone did something to you and now you have a right to retaliate, in this case with anger. Here’s the hard truth, you can feel however you want but you do not have a right to act upon those feelings if you want a better life with stronger relationships. You do not have a right to lie to yourself about the justifications of your feelings.
What do you have a right over, then? Your reactions. You get to choose how you react to the emotions your feeling. My LIFE brother, Dan put it best, “I have a right to feel how I feel, but is acting on that feeling serving me, and is it serving others? Am I someone that wants to react and operate off of how I feel?” If your part of the LIFE Council, you’re answer has to be “no”. Possibly even, “HELL NO.”
As Jocko Willink says, you must detach from your feelings. Be angry, whatever, but showing it to the world is equivalent to a grown man temper tantrum in the grocery store. Your reason is probably not as good as you think, and your reaction won’t help you.
Stop lying to yourself, your emotions aren’t an excuse for behavior.
- “It was just my anxiety/depression/etc coming out”
Anxiety is my personal favorite lie because it is a “two birds with one stone” scenario (and I use it a lot). On the one hand, we make excuses for anxiety that others usually accept, and on the other hand, we use anxiety as an excuse for behavior that we’re not proud of. Here’s an example, if you’ve struggled with anxiety, see if you can relate.
Early on in my relationship with my now wife, we had taken my dog Charlie to the park. When we got home, it was dark and when he jumped out of the truck, a cat ran by and there went Charlie. He chased the cat through a neighboring yard and into an open cornfield. I couldn’t see him and he didn’t seem to be coming back. So, I freaked out. I yelled, got some tears going, and threw a general pity party. What did my wife do? Got some treats, called his name nicely for a bit, and here he came. I was embarrassed so I used my anxiety to rationalize it, – “wow, I’m really sorry I freaked out there, my anxiety from issues as a kid just got a hold of me.” My wife, like pretty much everyone, was empathetic and let me off the hook.
I used my anxiety to defend being a crappy person at that moment. Sure, I had some anxiety but I also could have taken a breath and responded well. It took me a couple of years to reflect on that moment in this way. That night when I looked in the mirror, I believed the excuse I had given my wife. “It was just my anxiety”. My personal lie became my outward lie and no one could convince me otherwise for years.
Mental health is no joke but as someone who experiences real anxiety, I think we have more control than we sometimes give ourselves credit for.
- “I’m on top of ___ blank already so I can let off the gas a little.”
This one is interesting because it is a lie to yourself, but it is also incredibly common to hear from other people. Remember our crabs in the bucket conversation about people who drag you down? Be careful that your success doesn’t become a crab itself.
Here’s how it can happen in one area of LIFE: You tend to go straight to the gym from the office. You’ve been consistent, your physique is on point, and you’re feeling great. It’s a Thursday and you were at the office later than usual. Your partner sent you a text asking when you’d be home – not nagging but hoping it’s sooner than later. What do you do? Does your success tell you that you can let off the gas today? The gym will be there tomorrow, and you’ve earned a day off, right? Nope.
You know that the only reason you have the physique you do is because you didn’t skip the workouts every Thursday. You know momentum is powerful in attaining goals and skipping one day actually has a compound effect on your mental fortitude. You know that you already have a planned day off Saturday, and you don’t need this one. You also know time with your partner is important but if you want to be the best for them, you have to be a person who does what they say they will do, including getting your planned workout in. You know the truth but you can rationalize the lie.
Fitness is an example, but this shows up all over LIFE. Maybe you let the ring on your wife’s finger mean you don’t do the little things to show her you love her anymore. Why does she need those things, she knows I love her every time she looks at her hand, right? Wrong! It could be at work where you let your success last quarter carry into this one while you slack.
Stop lying to yourself, letting off the gas today means hitting the brake tomorrow. Humans are creatures of comfort. Everything we do is designed to make life easier. If you give yourself the excuse of success, you will lose it and quicker than you probably think.
Here’s the kicker with all of these (and the 3 more we’ll cover next week), they all build walls against the LIFE Council. If you can convince yourself that your feelings are justified, your anxiety is an excuse, or that you’re already good to go, your LIFE Council will be convinced too. If you have very close people in your Council, they may see through it but the quickest path to progress is self-knowledge.
So, stop lying to the person who looks back at you in the mirror.
Weekend Challenge
This weekend, I want you to find out what your personal lies are. This is going to feel awkward, but I want you to stare down the man in the mirror. Go to a mirror – probably not in public, that would be too weird – and look at yourself. Ask these questions in your mind or even write them out:
- Who do I see looking back?
- What are this person’s values?
- How do they live their values?
- Can I look them in the eye knowing what I know about them?
- What excuses do they make that I know they shouldn’t?
As I said, it will be weird. But if you can’t do it; if you can’t look yourself in the mirror and ask these questions with honest answers, the LIFE Council has no chance to help you grow.