It’s you. You are LIFE’s worst critic and it’s time you start to win the battle because you’re holding yourself back from everything LIFE needs you to be.
Criticism in 2020 is in high supply. Anything you say, post, or share will be met with criticism. Pleasing everyone is impossible and if you try, you’ll be criticized as a “people pleaser.” Social media and instant reactions to everything have rendered most criticism meaningless.
Now, it’s important to note that constructive feedback does not fit into the category of criticism in this sense. The LIFE Council is built upon constructive feedback that is thought out, intentional, and from a place of love. We give feedback when we want to build someone up. We don’t criticize to tear them down.
As the LIFE Council gains traction, I’ve noticed that often the biggest enemy to enacting the LIFE principles comes from within. We have that voice who says we aren’t capable of operating with love, we don’t have the character to maintain integrity, no one wants fellowship with us, and who the hell do we think we are to pursue excellence anyway. We need to go to battle with our self-critic.
We need to go to battle with our self-critic.
To start, it is important to understand who the critic is and why we have them.
Who is your self-critic?
Your self-critic is an extension of your experiences. They are meant to help you regulate behaviors before others need to correct you. If your parents criticized you for not doing your chores, you learned to criticize yourself for laziness before social rejection from parents manifested. If your friends gave you a hard time for being skinny, you learned to criticize yourself for not working out before you were made fun of.
This critic was helpful for much of human evolution. It ensured early humans remained socially accepted and part of the tribe so they, you know, didn’t get isolated and eaten by a sabretooth tiger. Later, Plato and Aristotle both promoted self-criticism as ways to remain humble and identify our shortfalls1.
Today, these benefits of our critic have been overwhelmed by the drawbacks in most cases. We still benefit from self-criticism in similar ways as our ancestors – social regulation and personal accountability – but our modern world has turned up the volume exponentially to a dangerous level.
Why is our self-critic so loud?
In 2020, your self-critic probably hurts you more than they help you because they are a loud close talker. Literally, they live in your head, so they are nearly impossible to ignore or drown out. Not even your Uncle Jim is that much of a close talker. They also get a louder voice than ever because of the incredible amount of comparison we live in. An early human may have looked at his cousin and thought, “I wish I was that strong to hunt like him.” But we get to look at Instagram and think, “wow, every other person on planet earth has more money, a happier wife, and bigger biceps than me. I really suck.” It’s not that one or two people are feeding your self-critic, it is that your self-critic is constantly reinforced every second of the day if you aren’t incredibly careful (and even if you are).
Time to go to battle
As a perpetual and detrimental self-critic, I’ve been in this fight so much that I hope I’ve learned a thing or two. If there was ever a post I need to listen to my own work, this is it. At least once a week I spend more time than I want to admit getting beat up by my self-critic. I don’t have any real answers for victory, but here are a few ways I’ve found to start taking some ground:
- Recognize the critic’s biggest weakness is inconsistency
It doesn’t take much detachment to realize your self-critic is incredibly inconsistent. Find a way to step outside your own head for a minute and think about it. You will criticize yourself for being out of shape one day and then for spending time in the gym instead of with your family, the next. The critic will be upset with you about your lack of discipline today and then for your lack of balance tomorrow. They’ll tell you you’re a bad father because you are too involved one minute and then for not being involved enough the next. They’ll say you focus too much on money, then turn around and say you should think about it more. These inconsistencies remind you that your self-critic is truly just a critic. They simply amplify your emotions at a given moment. They aren’t rational over time and therefore often not helpful for any long-term goals.
- Get still and quiet
A most important fix for self-criticism is to take control of the conversation by getting still. Stillness, Ryan Holiday says, is the art of being “steady while the world spins around you”. Your self-critic is a spinning force; they take your mind for a merry-go-round ride anytime they speak. To counter, get still for a few minutes every day. It doesn’t have to be meditation. For some it is running, others it is prayer, and some find stillness climbing mountains or surfing waves. Whatever it is for you, find the time to quiet the critic, pause your flight-or-fight reaction, and get control of the conversation. Once you are still, you can ask the critic to speak; to give you perspective on how you can grow. But in stillness, you gain the power to deny some feedback as lies, hear the inconsistencies, and take what is true truth for action.
- Keep the cookie jar
I first heard the cookie jar concept in David Goggin’s book. It is the practice of keeping your accomplishments, your cookies, in a metaphorical jar that you can reach into when needed. You don’t eat the cookies all the time – that’s arrogance – but you know when to indulge a little. Your self-critic is a cookie jar breaker, so you need to know when to recall your greatness to quiet them. The truth is, you’ve probably done some awesome things in your life, but our world tells us that if we talk about those things, we’re a jerk. Here is the secret: only people who haven’t done things themselves will call you a jerk for having done big things. Keep it quiet most the time but don’t be afraid to remember that workout you got through when others quit, the risk you took that paid off, and the time you got praised for something great.
The truth, guys, is that you can never live LIFE to the full if your self-critic wins the battle in your mind.
The truth, guys, is that you can never live LIFE to the full if your self-critic wins the battle in your mind. I’m not asking you to be arrogant, but I am giving you permission to be confident. I want you to know that if you are reading this, if you’re part of the LIFE Council family, you’re doing something big. You are defying the voice that says you can’t grow and the notion that you can’t offer things to the world. I know you can grow. I know you have so much greatness to offer the world. Stop letting your critic convince you otherwise. We’ll all be better for it when you start to win the battle.
Weekend Challenge
Get geared up for battle! This weekend, do these three things to prepare yourself to win against your self-critic next week:
- Write down the three biggest criticisms you have of yourself and locate any inconsistencies. Don’t make excuses for what you really do need to change (see the “The LIFE Council Can’t Help This” posts earlier this month) but find the lies your critic tells you. For me, they are working too much vs not enough, letting myself rest vs being lazy, and having enough vs needing more.
- Find stillness. Sit for 5 minutes and focus on your breath, go for a run not for performance but for reflection, take a walk at sunrise, or simply stop moving for a few minutes and turn off the TV. Quiet the critic for a second and take control of the conversation.
- Fill your cookie jar. Practice the art of balancing arrogance and confidence. List out a few things you are truly proud of and own them – it’s ok to pat yourself on the back for truly good work. It’s so hard to do though and I’m the worst at it so let me lead. My cookie jar includes starting the LIFE Council, getting my Ph.D., completing my half Ironman, buying my own home, and never missing a day of getting my wife’s coffee ready to show her I’m thinking of her. Now, do the same and share some of your greatness with us!
Prepare for battle this weekend! Monday morning is a critic’s favorite high ground and they’ll be waiting for us, ready to tell us we aren’t enough. We are enough, and we need to start winning.
Best today. Better tomorrow.
1Kelly, A. (2019). Are you self critical? Exploring the nature, origins, consequence, and antidotes of self-criticism. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-attitude/201905/are-you-self-critical