Have you been angry lately? Mad that COVID took away an opportunity or even a family member? Angry with the way people have overreacted or underreacted to the pandemic and social injustice? Upset with your kids because, well, they’re just home all the time now and it’s a lot? It\’s time to check your anger and figure out what it is good for.
Just last night I got angry with our three dogs and acted like an idiot when emotion took over. I yelled, moved them with my legs, and generally reacted with no control. Within minutes, I was embarrassed. Mind you, I had started writing this article the day prior so I should have known better but it got me thinking how hard anger can be to control but how destructive it is if we fail to do so.
Last week, I described how we can better respond when we don’t get our way. It was intentional that anger was not on the list. As Ryan Martin said in his TEDx talk on the subject, anger has a purpose to “alert you to injustice and energizes you to face it”. That sounds useful but I didn’t include it because in most cases, our anger isn’t about real injustice and we are terrible at telling the difference. We are also awful at channeling anger into productive action. We need to think of anger like we do a “curve ahead” sign on a dark mountain road. It is a signal to change but it can’t force you. If you don’t see the signal and change your energy but instead carry forward, you’re in for an emotional, steep, bumpy path to destruction.
For its destructive ability, anger has a poor reputation. Most of the ancient wisdom we have unanimously warned against anger. In the Bible, Proverbs 22:24-25 warns to “not make friends with a person given to anger…or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself.” Buddhism holds “three root kleshas, poisons to the way, greed, hatred, and ignorant confusion.” Lama Surya Das says, “Anger is often singled out as the most destructive of the kleshas, because of how easily it degenerates into aggression and violence.” Stoic philosophy echoes the slippery slope of anger. “The best plan is to reject straightaway the first incentives to anger…for if once it begins to carry us away, it is hard to get back again into a healthy condition,” said Seneca. Marcus Aurelius lamented, “a real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person (a real man) has strength, courage, and endurance-unlike the angry and complaining.” The fight against anger is not new and yet we see it all the time.
In our personal lives, we see the downfall of many who can’t control anger. Our 50% divorce rate surely has been affected by anger, fatal traffic accidents take away lives every year from anger and we commonly use the phrase “road rage” as if it’s normal to be so mad that you’ll put life at risk to get five minutes ahead. Friendships are crushed by anger and never restored because of grudges held. Parents have gone decades without speaking to their own children for anger’s sake.
Most of the time we are angry, it isn’t real injustice, it is our selfishness being highlighted by a situation or other person. Even when anger is an appropriate emotional response to injustice, we must be intentional with how we use it. Most anger is, if we’re honest, out of control. Breaking things, yelling at people, driving unsafely and the like are not endearing and not useful. At the same time though the goal of eliminating anger is unrealistic as it serves a very important purpose in life and society.
So, the question becomes, how do we work with anger to ensure it is both a proper response and productive energy? If you, like me, have felt angry with any recent events, this is the part to tune in for. Here are a few questions to answer when you start to notice your anger that will help you determine if anger is justified and what to do next. By answering them, you’ll stay in control and not destroy everything in your path. Sounds good, right?
Question #1: Am I angry?
Before you do anything, learn to recognize the physical cues that you are angry. For most of us, we realize we are angry when it is far too late. Some even think the first sign of anger is outburst but it isn’t. Mentalhelp.net names a few cues to look for: clenching jaw, sweaty palms, feeling hot in the neck or face, and shaking. In my case, when I’m offended or angry, I get a sense of tunnel vision and I notice my hands and arms clench up. These signals happen way before an outburst so you have to learn to recognize them so you can stay in control and continue to assess.
Question #2: Am I slowing down or speeding up?
Anger is difficult because it’s an emotion of momentum. It builds upon itself quickly and exponentially, which is why you can go from calm to Hulk style mad in a matter of seconds. We see it all the time in small moments like a toddler angry about not getting dessert but also in much more serious one’s like an encounter between police and citizens when anger on either side turns deadly. You have to train yourself to stop long enough to see the signs of your anger and put your brain back in control. My recommendation is to literally stop moving – pull over, sit down, stand still – and take at least 4 big breaths. That buys you at least a full minute, which is usually plenty of time to detach enough.
Question #3: Am I assuming the worst case scenario?
The fancy word for this is catastrophizing. The idea is that when we’re angry, our brain goes to the worst possible place. For example, when a client decides to go work with another provider, your anger can tell you that they will leave a bad review, you’ll lose all of your clients, your business will fail, the house will be gone, and your family will be homeless, in matter of seconds. That’s catastrophizing. Reading it like that, the irrationality is obvious but when blinded by anger, you can easily believe it and make things much worse by doing something stupid instead of staying grounded and offering to help them in the future if they ever need. It’s more likely your anger would destroy your business than that one client leaving.
Question #4: Am I putting blame where it doesn’t belong?
In times of anger, we love to blame others even to the point of blaming objects. Think about the last time your car wouldn’t start and you got angry at the car. “Damnnit, this car is terrible!” Well, hate to break it to you, but most car issues come from a lack of maintenance on the car owner’s part. You should be mad at yourself, but you misattribute blame. In relationships, if you can’t stop and answer this question honestly, you’re already on the path to failure. Your wife is to blame for everything wrong in your marriage, your friends don’t do their part to support you, even the dog poops in the house to spite you. None are true but your anger convinces you they are.
Question #5: Am I assuming my needs are the most important?
I’d like to introduce you to someone. You’ve interacted hundreds of times but you’ve never actually met. He was there when you got caught behind that driver not moving at a green light and cussed them out for being an, “idiot who can’t find the skinny pedal on the right.” He was there when you yelled at your spouse for not getting home exactly when they said they would to help you with the kids. This is your ego and he kind of sucks.
He helps sometimes but when you’re angry, he takes control and when he’s in control you become a selfish jerk. In anger, you default to feeling like what you need is more important than anyone else and your ego defends you. For example, that person not moving at the green light could have just gotten bad news or were distracted by their kids in the back, but you didn’t even think of that. You just knew they got between you and that mocha, Frappuccino, no whip, stirred, slightly hot, hold the drizzle, mess of what you call coffee. It’s all about you when you’re angry and that means you’ll go through anyone necessary to maintained that fragile ego. Outcome? Destruction.
Bonus question for so much more than anger but it works too: If I continue, how will I feel tomorrow?
This is one of my favorite questions of all time. I use it a lot in my endurance training. “If I quit this workout right now, I’ll feel better, but how will I feel tomorrow?” When the answer is, “pissed at myself”, I never quit. The same goes with anger. “If I continue my emotional reaction of yelling, stomping, etc, how will I feel tomorrow?” Maybe, “like an idiot” or “full of regret for what I said” or maybe even “broke because I’ll have to buy a new window that I broke” can sober you up from the emotion.
If you can pause long enough to ask yourself these questions, one of two things will happen. Either you’ll realize that your anger is fooling you and convincing you something is unjust that isn’t. Or, you’ll have realized that your anger is a fair response to real injustice. In the first case, you’ve slowed down enough to detach from the emption and not destroy relationships or even lives. In the second, instead of going off the handle in an emotional fit, you’ve slowed enough to channel angry energy into productive action toward authentic change.
Here are some quick examples of the difference:
- If your anger signals an authentic injustice within your marriage, by asking these questions of yourself you can set aside the temptations to name-call, play the blame game, and give the silent treatment. Instead, you can open conversation about why you felt angry and how to move forward. You can apologize or accept apology and restore damage done instead of making it worse.
- If an injustice in your workplace like someone getting promoted unfairly, angers you, you can trade the emotional response to yell at the boss and go out blazing in a ring of fire for a measured approach to decide if you want to stay in the job and what you will adapt to be sure you are earning the promotion next time.
- If you’re mad about a social injustice where your race, gender, or other identity was the focus of someone else’s words or behavior you can slow down enough to isolate the issue and target your energy on it. You can organize others to the cause and create long-lasting change instead of creating a scene for YouTube that doesn’t go anywhere.
Those are a few examples but there are tons more. Anger is real and really helpful to signal when you shouldn’t be ok with something. Anger shakes you out of complicity and moves you to action. However, left unchecked, the raw emotion of anger will cause more harm than good.
So, if you don’t get your way and the initial reaction is anger, pause and ask the questions above. That pause will bring you power in a situation that you were powerless. You gain control instead of giving it away.
Weekend Challenge
Consider your relationship with anger. Take a few minutes to think back over the past few years at times where you truly felt mad. Without judgement consider the outcomes of the anger. Did it help you solve a problem? Did it restore a relationship? Did it make the world a better place? Maybe yes, but probably no.
Now pick one of those times and consider what may have been different had you used these questions. How could you have regained control of your anger? If the situation called for it, could you have used your anger as energy toward productive action? How so?
Last, plan for next time your angry. Play it out in your head as a sort of practice session. Think of something that commonly makes you angry and go through how you will respond next time. It’s the same visualization technique used by Olympians in the starting blocks and entrepreneurs at the board table.
The bottom line is that there is no room for angry, emotional outburst in the LIFE principles. Anger destroys love, ruins integrity, dismantles fellowship, and holds back excellence. If you want to live LIFE to the full for you and those you care about, get anger under control in the small moments and the big.
Best today. Better tomorrow.