Weekend Challenge #43: Only Love Can Change

I recently had a great conversation with one of my closest friends. The topic of the day became change and how to create it in our lives and the lives of others. We dove into leading by example, getting back to the basics of our faith, reflecting in a journal, setting big goals, focusing on ourselves first, and more. I loved every second of it.

As I drove away, something hit me. Perhaps there is an overarching theme we can look to when we want to change. Over the next few days, I couldn’t shake the thought. I have changed so much in my life over the last ten years and now I write a blog pretty much all about change. The literature is great on it. James Clear tells us to create small changes and build momentum to new habits. Tom Bilyeu echoes Clear and says we must switch our identity to change and adds that our mindset is the key. Negotiation experts remind us that to change someone else we must focus on what is in it for them. All of this is helpful and I’m all in.

Though, I still wondered if there was a more universal way to seek change. Then, in one of those “I wish I had a notebook with me” moments on a run later in the week, I had an idea. I realized that the only way to produce real change is through love.

I returned home and went straight to my Bible where I found the principle in action all over the place. No matter your stance on faith, it’s hard to deny that Jesus changed and continues to change, more people than any modern-day guru. Not one of those people was changed through hate or anger from Him. Every person is transformed by love, healing, and grace. Interesting…can we learn anything from that? I think so!

As we enter a season of holidays amidst a pandemic and on the heels of an election still being sorted through, we’re sure to experience the next two months differently than we have in the past.

For all the potential differences this year, there is one theme sure to remain. No matter where you go physically or virtually and who you are around, opinions will be strong, and everyone will want influence.

To get that influence, the familiar roads will be traveled with two main vehicles. Insults and judgments.

What We Think Drives Change: Insults and Judgement

I get it, your family probably doesn’t insult each other at the dinner table. We are experts at hiding insults in eye-rolls, dismissals, and gossip on the couch or on the phone after dinner ends. In the world of socially distanced holidays, insults might be at bay. After all, someone will have that sweet “mute all” option at their fingertips.

However, the most common insults, the ones I refer to as “secondary insults,” won’t be thwarted by distance. These are the insults about Joe Biden or Donald Trump or some other politician. They are insults about celebrities who have taken up causes or aimed at those causes themselves. Essentially, they are a way of insulting the person in the room but taking a jab at what or who, you think they believe in. These indirect style insults provide room for our cowardice and never lead to change, ever.

When we ratchet these up a notch, we land on a judgment. Here, we dive into the character of the individuals around us. These are the lazy and arguments of, “you voted for Trump, you must be racist” or “you voted for Biden, you’re a socialist.” Neither is true at face value, but our brain likes the easy way out and most of us are happy to oblige. We use judgment to dismiss others and their ideas. It is essentially an egotistical way to confirm your own bias like a pro. Once you dismiss someone with judgment, you eliminate their value and stop change in its tracks.

Insults and judgments will never attain change. If anything, as we’ve seen in 2020 and research has shown over and over again, they embolden others to cling more tightly to their beliefs and shut out any chance of learning.

Oh, and you’re not off the hook. This article isn’t about how to help you change people because I don’t assume that you are right about anything you believe. If you are willing to insult and judge others you close yourself to learning because you’ve already adopted the stance of “I’m right and they should follow”. Well, ego man, maybe you are right about everything, always but you probably aren’t. They aren’t either. As the famous quote goes, “there are two sides to every story and the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle.” The truth of who’s right and wrong is simultaneously nobody and everybody.

How Change Actually Happens Through Love

If insults and judgements don’t work, what are we left with? We have no choice but to look elsewhere for ways to influence people and open chances for learning. We can’t default to where we’ve been.

If ancient texts and modern gurus agree on anything it’s the real change only comes from one place: love. That might sound wrong to you because gurus on YouTube preach about discipline, grinding, habits, morning routines, nighttime routines, diets, workout plans, and motivation as the cultivators of change. However, they are all talking about means to identify the same end. They are all pushing you to identify where your love lies and move toward it.

For example, I’ve known more than a few men who didn’t care about their physical health much until that miraculous moment a child is born, and they see their last name on the birth certificate. Their love for that child drove them to change so they could live longer and better.

In the same way, if you want to change someone or be open to growth yourself, it is necessary to enact love. The problem is that it’s unnatural to most of us in the “yell louder and post in caps to get your way” generation. It also requires incredible and genuine humility because when you operate with love, you assume others are just as valuable as you are.

In his book on fear, Patrick Sweeney II noted, “love – of spouse, of children, of family, of friends – can inspire people to charge a burning building.” Love changes people from cowards to heroes. Love, much more than anger or hate, changes hearts and minds.

Recognizing “change with love” is a foreign idea, here are some quick ideas of what it can look like these next few months:

• Listen first. I challenge you to not be the first person at the table or Zoom room to speak up about your opinions. Wait. Listen. Learn. Ask questions. Once you feel you understand, respond to what was said instead of just yelling out the last half-researched argument you heard on Fox or CNN. Listening is a language of love, hearing is not.
• Give context. Discuss ideas and opinions within the context of your own life. Love is showing that you are interested in the people around you. When you toss out national statistics or arguments used by political candidates, you take the argument out of the immediate experience and essentially dishonor the individuals in front of you. There is room for those bigger ideas but start local and small. You just might learn something.
• Assume positive regard. In my morning affirmation, I remind myself to choose to see the good in people. It’s a choice and you’ll have to make it too if you want to drive change in others or yourself. If you spend your car ride to dinner, or the hour before Zoom, talking trash about the people that will be there, you’ve already lost.
• Let go of your need for influence. Ironically the only way to change people, including yourself, is to let go of your egotistical need to be right. Be quiet about it. Ask more questions. Listen more than you talk. You’ll be amazed at what happens when you stop trying to win and you start aiming to understand.
• Be confident, not prideful. “Pride goes before destruction,” says Proverbs 16:18. Most of our efforts to change others come from pride. We assume we are right and everyone else is wrong. That leads to destruction, not change. Instead, be confident. Understand your ideas but be confident in your value as a person. You can share ideas but also be open to new things yourself because your eternal value doesn’t ride on your stance on COVID closures or donkeys and elephants.

When I sat down a couple of years ago to conceptualize what living intentionally meant, love was not top of mind. However, the further I looked the more I realized that to be the best person you can be, you always have to operate with love. Men, in particular, have been led to believe that love is soft. That by admitting we love someone; we hand them the keys to destroy us. It’s just the opposite though, love is our ultimate strength and our only way to change.

Tolstoy once observed that love does not exist in the future. It “is a present activity only,” he said and added that “The man who does not manifest love in the present has not love.” This stands true even when your family voted for someone else or disagrees with you. This holiday season, you don’t get to say, “I still love them, just not right now.” That’s not how love works. Manifest love in the present at tables or Zoom rooms and there may be a chance people can change, grow, and ultimately love more.

Weekend Challenge

Before the holidays really get here, take a few minutes to look at your beliefs and opinions that you know might clash with people you are going to spend time with over the coming months. Consider what it will mean to manifest love even through the differences. Ask yourself if you are truly open to listening and learning from those you see as “the other”. Our world has enough hate, anger, and separation.

Can you be a part of the difference? Or will you add to the problem?

Best today. Better tomorrow.