What is Love? – How to Operate with Love Everywhere You Go
Take a second and think of all the ways you heard “love” used already today. In the best of contexts, love allows us incredible security, excitement, and meaning. We get to say, “I love you” to communicate the depth of feelings for those we hold closest in life. It is the go-to phrase for when we are at a loss for what to say. It’s at the center of celebrations such as weddings, births, graduations, and birthdays. It also lives in the tears of hospital rooms and funerals. The deepest emotions wound up into a single idea. However, in other contexts of life, we can use “love” as a weapon. We hear time and again the horror stories of young people who flippantly claim love to convince someone of a positive intention or save a relationship that needs to end. Perhaps we’ve even done it ourselves and now live with the shame of our younger, less mature selves.
In my journey to help men create strong relationships and optimize our lives, I have made a stark observation. Love is surprisingly absent. Somewhere along the line, men either stopped loving one another or at least stopped telling each other. I firmly believe it is the former. The issue is communication, not love. If the reason is that love between men makes us uncomfortable because of sexuality, we need to check our security.
This conversation of love has absolutely nothing to do with romantic love – what the Greek world would have called Eros. This is more about what the Greeks would term Storge – “love that is felt among friends who’ve endured hard times together.”1 If you’re still stuck, consider that Jesus commanded His followers to love God above all and then love each other. He didn’t ask that we like other people or respect them – we are to love them. You can love someone without being physically interested in them. In fact, the vast majority of people you love fit this category (all but one if you’re married).
In the LIFE Council, we know that we are fighting against the social stigmas of love and masculinity. We might have grown up with fathers who never used the word, even toward us, or we had friends who discouraged anything but male bravado. I’m not calling men to lose masculinity (and in fact, I think the modern attack on masculinity is off base but I’ll dive into my arguments with “toxic masculinity” some other time). Instead, the call is to mature as men and people who can be secure in themselves and love people at the same time.
Instead of these old ideas, love is active in the best and worst times. Love is the deliberate and intentional movement toward people around us whether we’ve known them for life or just passed them on the street. How do you operate with love when you disagree with your spouse? How about at the gym? What does love look like with that coworker you can’t stand most days? Each of these people and interactions deserves your love, not just your energy. Sounds like a lot of love, huh? Maybe love just doesn’t belong in all these places? Ah, that would give us quite the easy out on a lot of tough moments and decisions with our conscious but life isn’t that easy and loving people is part of the deal. Love makes us put ourselves second and uplift others wherever we go.
Remember our creed on love: we operate with love by upholding the courage it takes to put others before ourselves; to be caring partners, healthy colleagues, and community contributors.
I still wrestle with what actions of love toward all of these people look like and I fail every day. Just today I turned my back on a neighbor because I was so “busy” walking my dog and listening to an audiobook (selfish anyone?). Perhaps if I could have humbled up for even a second and decided to love someone by offering an ear to hear, I could have really affected someone today. I also fail as a husband in loving my wife embarrassingly often. My selfishness takes over way faster than I would like and I can neglect to help her with things or being present when we talk about our days.
Start to redefine love in your life. If you struggle to love the people that even general society says you should – your partner, family, and dogs of course – then you have to hit the reset button and define clearly what love needs to look like. If you are more in the majority and you love those people but struggle to find love in other places of life, redefine it with a broader application.
Your Challenge
Get out a piece of paper and a pencil. On the top, write our creed of operating with love (or your own if you want to create one to fit your life). Now write down at least five names of people that are in your life at least a couple of times per week. Try to go beyond your immediate family for at least a couple of them. Next to each person’s name, write two ways that you can take action to love them this week. If you struggle, think of Gary Chapman’s now famous 5 Love Languages: quality time, physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service2. Let them guide you. With that tough coworker maybe dropping a simple, “I really appreciate the presentation you put together it sparked an idea for me.” (side note: be specific with compliments or they’re just lame). I recently saw someone say, “compliment people behind their backs.” I love it (see what I did there). Maybe with your spouse, you can put your phone down and listen during dinner for some quality time. You get where we’re going. If you simply committed to complimenting people and looking for the best in them, the amount of love you give to everyone around you would skyrocket. Keep it simple but write down two specific actions for each person and then actually DO THEM.
You have your LIFE mission this week. Love five people in your life with ten intentional actions.
Question of the Week
When was the last time you told one of your friends that you have love for them?
1 Mateo Sol, https://lonerwolf.com/different-types-of-love/
2Chapman, G. (2015).The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing.