Weekend Challenge #44: Picking Up the Rope

There I was, bright-eyed with the rose-colored lenses of a fresh college graduate stepping into the place that I just knew I would change the world from. It was my third day as a new eighth-grade History teacher, and I was ready. Then, reality struck in the form of a five-foot, 85-pound challenger. We’ll call him, Tommy. Tommy came into class that day with a “let’s see what this guy is really about” look and attitude to match. Five minutes into class, Tommy stood up in the middle of my opening instructions and told everyone his opinion about how stupid the assignment was, the irrelevance of the class in general, and how he felt cheated having a “student-teacher” anyway.

With the best of my twenty-two-year wisdom, I came back at him in defense of the work I had designed. We went back and forth for a minute – felt like an hour as all the other kids stared at me – until my mentor walked by. She came into the room with an incredibly calm presence and with one look from her, Tommy immediately sat down. She asked, “mind if I do some grading in here? They need my room for a special event.” I didn’t mind and there was no special event. After class, she casually headed toward the door at the end of the line of students and as she passed me said, “Hey Mr. Mac, don’t pick up the rope.”

At the end of the day, I was still trying to figure out what the heck she was talking about. There were no ropes in my classroom, and I didn’t remember picking anything up. So, I went to ask her.

Leaning against the railing of our second-floor hallway watching kids grab their things, give those awkward middle school hugs, and leave for the day I simply asked, “Rope?” She knew what I meant.

“When I started teaching,” she began, “I was overconfident in my abilities to simply relate to kids and have them follow suit with whatever I needed. Then, I met a student named Devon.” I could hear the heaviness in her voice as she relived the memory.  

“Every day for almost a month, Devon challenged me on everything. From directions to due dates and even facts I had in lectures; Devon pushed every button” she sighed. “But then, just like I did today, a mentor told me to stop picking up the rope.”

So, I asked again. “Rope?”

“The rope,” she told me, “is what other people use to get us into their drama. They pick up one side and push us to pick up the other so that we can give our attention and enter a tug-of-war.”

I was starting to get it.

“In your case, Tommy comes into class with a rope just like Devon did to me. Your job is to not pick up the other side of that rope.”

“So, what do I do then?” I followed.

“You have to learn to not pick up that other side of the rope” she answered as if it was the most obvious solution ever.

“How do I do that when he challenges me though?” I pushed back. “Won’t the other kids see me as not having control or think my words don’t matter?”

“That’s just it,” she said with excitement, “your words will mean more when you say less of them and they come from support, not argument.”

My head nodded.

She continued, “What you need to do right now is realize that Tommy carries that rope because of where he comes from. His dad works two jobs, mom has battled cancer twice, and his older sister is a straight-A student and being recruited for tennis scholarships as a sophomore in high school while he struggled to make C’s and got cut from the basketball team last week.”

I didn’t know any of that about Tommy because I never cared to ask.

“Tommy wants you to pick up the rope because he doesn’t know what else to do with it other than fight and get attention that way.”

Ok, I was getting it but what she said next was the wisdom only a lifetime of working with thousands of kids can bring.

“What you really need to do,” she said calmly, “is leave your end of the rope on the ground, walk to Tommy, and help him pick up his side so you can pull together. It’s not about you versus Tommy, it’s you and Tommy versus what holds him back.”

She walked away to get her things and end the day. It was one of those moments for me though that required some time right there at the railing. “It’s you and Tommy versus what holds him back” played over and over in my mind, then in my heart, and eventually in my soul. It reminded me of my faith because isn’t it true that at the core, it’s me and Christ against what holds me back? It reminded me of sports where it was me and my teammates against what kept us from victory. It even reminded me of history and Lincoln’s famous notion that a “house divided cannot stand.”

I left teaching a few years ago but the life lesson I learned that day never left me. 

So What?

Last week, I posited the idea that insults, negativity, criticism, or judgment can never promote enduring change but only love can. The choice you make about which end of the rope to pick up is your choice between love, hate, or indifference.

At holiday tables and the moments that will come in the New Year will you help others carry their rope, pick up the other side to do battle, or walk by and ignore their significance? Will you act with love, belittle them, or simply act as if their ideas are of no value?

The Stoic philosopher Epictetus said that every situation we find ourselves in has two handles. One handle is frustration with your brother, or the other is the recognition that he is your brother and that you love him and don’t want a fight. One handle is negative, the other is love.

If love is the only door to meaningful change, the choice you make about picking up the rope has impacts far wider than you probably realize.

As an example, when you gather with family for the holidays (or decide to cancel the gathering) and someone pushes an opinion about the pandemic with which you don’t agree, what do you do? If you begin an argument by waiting until they’re done and then launching a full assault with every headline you read in the last three months, you picked up the tug-of-war end of the rope. If instead, you lean in and ask questions and understand their ideas, you’ve begun to help carry their rope. By doing so, you’ll most likely uncover that underneath their opinion is the kind of real, primal emotion we all deal with. Fear of a virus or loss of freedom. Pain from losing someone they loved or from closing a business. Confusion from watching headlines counter each other all day, every day. Anxiety from living through nine months of a pandemic, election cycles, and around the clock poor journalism of half-truths (or even zero-truths sometimes).

This holiday season and into 2021, I want to challenge you to only pick up the rope out of love. It doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything. I still didn’t think Tommy’s behavior was right, but now I understood it. You can do the same.

Truth is, everyone is carrying a rope like Tommy was. The past month I’ve been struggling with my own rope as I’ve identified a deep-rooted sense that nothing I do, can ever be good enough. A sense of inadequacy has shown itself to me in ways I never realized had taken root in my mind. That’s my rope right now. If a family member this season, picks up the other side of the rope and fights me on that burden, or reinforces a message of “not good enough” it will be challenging. But, if like my amazing wife has done the last couple of weeks, they pick up my side of the rope and tug with me against that false but powerful enemy, we can defeat it together.

This is the essence of why I created the LIFE Council. We need people in our lives who we can count on to always pick up our rope and they need us. Those people aren’t always easy to find though and sometimes who we think will be there, is actually competing against us. In the LIFE Council, we live by a notion of “another in the fire” where we know our Council will stand in the fires of life alongside us and carry us out if need be.

When you talk with someone who voted the other way than you, believes something different about COVID or the political response to it, has a different set of parenting values, or doesn’t stand for principles that you do, and you’re ready to tear them down, remember that they are carrying a heavy rope right now. You can take the lead, help carry their rope and I almost promise, they will, in turn, help you carry your own.

Weekend Challenge

Let’s take on a two part challenge this weekend:

Part 1 – Identify Tommy in your life. Take a few minutes and think of someone you are interacting with through the holidays that challenges you often. Write their name down and give yourself 5 minutes to write out how they challenge you and why you think they are in the wrong.

Now ask yourself these questions and write your answers on that same page:

• What rope are they carrying?
• How can you help carry it instead of fight them this season?

This will help you build empathy ahead of time and realize that fighting for power won’t help anyone. Instead, you can enter time with them with a love stance and have a helpful conversation.

Part 2 – Identify your own rope. Now give yourself another 5 (or more) minutes to write out your answer to the following question: “What rope am I carrying into my interactions this season?” You don’t need to do anything with the rope right now per se but just recognizing that you are also carrying something gives space to be more kind to yourself and others.

So, as we enter a season of ropes and potential tug-of-war moments, what side of the ropes will you pick up? I hope this metaphor can remind you to focus on the positives, be grateful for the people in your life, and begin to battle the real enemies – anger, fear, anxiety, hopelessness – together instead of alone. We are stronger together.

Have a great weekend all!

Best today. Better tomorrow.