“If you had to trade places entirely with the person you envy, if you had to give up your brain, your principles, your proudest accomplishments to live their life, would you do it?” Ryan Holiday asked this question of readers in his most recent book; Stillness is the Key. When I read it, my answer was “no”, and I moved on. But it stuck with me the last couple of months.
Envy has been a struggle of mine. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I want other’s lives. In my case, envy is usually focused on money. I was jealous of what other people have and can buy while I struggled to pay rent in graduate school and lived in a friend’s basement. As a kid, my stepdad would drive home through the “rich neighborhood” and point with amazement to houses that we couldn’t afford. Envy of what other people own is equally deep-set as it is irrational. My life is blessed beyond the shadow of a doubt, I have no real reason to envy what others have.
The reason you and I can answer “no” to Holiday’s question and yet struggle with envy and comparison is in the complexity of our social world. In 2020, we’re not tempted to keep up with Jones’. We’re tempted to keep up with the Jones’, Hemsworth’s, Bezos’, and fake Instagram pictures of houses people don’t own and cars they rented for the day. Our phones provide a fast pass into the lives of the rich and famous and it’s not a far jump to think we should be there too.
The E in LIFE Council represents the pursuit of excellence. It is a commitment to holistic – mental, physical, spiritual – growth, and development. When you start to pursue excellence and push the boundaries of what you are capable of, envy can become very real. You’ll soon find yourself feeling like the smallest, weakest, dumbest person in the physical or virtual room. On Instagram, your training plan to run a marathon – a measure of excellence for you – is quickly eclipsed by people taking on ultramarathons that span 200 miles or more. In real life, you’ll start to be around people who warrant comparison. For example, I started swimming at a local pool this winter and realized in five seconds that even though I was the youngest person there, I was leaps and bound behind everyone else. I started to look to the left and right and be envious of their speed and form in the water.
As an envious person at times, and someone who knows a lot of people who struggle with it too, I thought passing along four pieces of us that I’ve noticed envy steals and how to reframe our minds around each, might be helpful. Especially as we go into a season of turning over the calendar, your pursuit of excellence in 2021 can’t be envy driven if you want it to be meaningful. Let’s go:
- Envy steals self-confidence. When I got to the pool that first day and saw everyone else was better than I was, I wanted to quit. I was embarrassed. I knew that in other areas of fitness, I might be better than them so I figured I should go back to the gym or my bike. Envy and comparison will steal every ounce of self-confidence you have. It will tell you that because someone has more than you, you must have nothing and therefore are nothing. Reframe your confidence by asking, “how did they get more or become better?” The answer will almost certainly be that they worked for a long time. I asked two of the swimmers that day how long they had been swimming. Each had been in the pool at least three days a week for over 15 years! I was comparing my first day to their 1,000th day and losing confidence because of it. That doesn’t make sense. Also, ask yourself, “would I trade what I do have to be where they are?” In entrepreneurship, I don’t have to look far for someone better than me, I haven’t made a cent yet. But I’m also unwilling to give up the experiences I’ve had, the people I’ve met, and the lessons I’ve learned to get me to this moment and my confidence needs to come from there. Self-confidence is reliant on self, not on others. Pump yourself up now and then and remember that you bring a combination of strengths and experiences to the table that no one else can. Be proud of that, not ashamed of it. Don’t let envy rob you because, without self-confidence, true excellence is out of reach.
- Envy steals love and fellowship. Along with excellence, two LIFE principles are love and fellowship. They recognize that life is best experienced in the company of others. It’s our job to build bridges between people, pull others into fellowship, and love deeply. When you compare yourself to someone, you put a wall between you and them. You get defensive to protect what dignity you can while you think about how much more they have than you do. Envy steals all ability to championship fellowship or love that other person because you’re too busy guarding your ego against being injured. Reframe your thoughts by focusing on love and fellowship with people you perceive to have more and be more. Not once have I struck a conversation with someone I was jealous of and not been shown that they, just like me, are a real person with real issues. In fact, on more than one occasion, upon reaching out to someone I envied because of their financial status or business growth, I was told that they had looked up to me for my education. Once that wall was down, most of us became friends. If you dwell in envy and don’t reach out in love and fellowship, loneliness is all you’ll get.
- Envy steals perspective. A tough exercise is to think about who we envy and for what. It’s not one person. If you ask someone such a question, you’ll hear something like this. “Well, I wish I had Andy Frisella’s business mind. Oh, and training like Apollo Ono or looking like Chris Hemsworth would be awesome. With Warren Buffet’s money and humility, I’d be happy. And this guy I work with just has the best family, I wish I could be a dad like he is.” Notice the problem? In our envy, we pick and choose the best pieces of people and act as if we should have them all and more. Frisella struggled in school and business, Apollo Ono has faced massive depression, Hemsworth doesn’t always look like he does in movies, and Warren Buffet has struggled financially in his life. Reframe your mind by realizing even the most amazing people have trouble but learn from their ability to use it as fuel for their growth. In fact, by comparing only to the best piece of someone you steal their humanity too. You look at them like a robot of success instead of a complex person with emotions, trials, and hard work. Remember what Robin Williams, the funniest man alive before taking his own life, said, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” Be kind to the people you look up to and don’t steal their humanity because you’re too envious to see reality.
- Envy steals you. In her book, Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown pointed out that comparison is actually a form of conformity. If I asked if you wanted to be a conformer, I don’t think you would give me a high-five and say, “hell yea!” You are pursuing excellence to be different, to be creative, to be unique. By living in envy, you essentially give yourself over to becoming someone else. You say with actions, “I don’t want to be anything for myself, I just want to be that person.” I don’t know about you, but I’d never say that out loud because I don’t believe it. Be you. Not them. Reframe your mind by pursuing excellence for your own identity. If you want to be a healthier person, compare yourself to last year, not to an Olympian. Yes, the Olympian is probably healthy but you’re not trying to be an Olympian. Plus, go watch Weight of Gold and see how often elite athletes aren’t healthy. Don’t buy into the Instagram hype of being the best at everything. It’s fake.
So, if you really had to trade places with the person you envy in every way. To give up everything about yourself, your family, your accomplishments, would you do it? I hope not. The world needs you. We already have an Andy Frisella, Jeff Bezos, Chris Hemsworth, the guy you live next to you, and your friend. We don’t need more of them. We need more of you.
Weekend Challenge
This weekend take stock of your envy and comparison. Get serious and write down the names of every person you compare yourself to on a regular basis (careful, this could get longer than you think). Next to their name, write which of the 4 things that envy steals from you in those moments – self-confidence, love and fellowship, perspective, and yourself. By doing this, I think you’ll be able to see more clearly how envy and comparison get in the way of excellence and start to reframe your mind with the ideas above.
In a week, I’ll be launching the LIFE Enacted Guidebook. A 5-part workbook to set yourself up for 2021 to the best year you’ve had. It’s not a goal making workshop, it’s an identity shifting, purpose-driven deep dive into who you are and who you want to be. Take this weekend challenge seriously because you cannot look for a better tomorrow if envy is a chain holding you back.
Are you courageous enough to stop comparing? Can you stop hiding your insecurities behind the fact that other people have done big things and instead realize that you can too?
I hope so! Have a great weekend!
Best today. Better tomorrow.