Weekend Challenge #53: “Presence in the Process” – What You Need to Give Up and Pick Up to Be Present

An ability to be present is a superpower. If you’ve watched The Last Dance, you know Jordan was great because of his presence. Every game was its own, every play got his full attention. The moment demanded all of him and he gave it. Can you do that? You don’t have to live with monks (although Jesse Itzler did and it seemed to teach him a lot) but you do have to be intentional.

Before getting too deep, it’s worth a quick detour into why presence even matters in the first place. In the context of our LIFE principles, presence in everything. LIFE doesn’t exist in the future and you can’t change how it looked in the past. Your chance to live with love, integrity, fellowship, and excellence only exists right now.

With presence, you’ll love better, be less likely to slip in your integrity, build stronger fellowship, and pursue excellence at this moment than the next culminating in “big E” excellence at the end of life.

Unfortunately, presence has been watered down in recent years. It has become some sort of new-age, Portland hipster meets LA Vegan fad but it shouldn’t be. Presence is simply the state of being in the here and now.

In doing research, I searched “how to be more present” in Google. In 2 seconds, I was blasted with over 2.5 BILLION hits. There are videos, blogs, and more than enough articles titled something like “26 Ways to Be More Present” to keep you busy reading tips on presence without actually being present, for a decade.

There’s good reason presence gets such airtime. Being more present and mindful of the moment has been linked to alleviating feelings of loneliness, stronger romantic relationships, reducing inflammation and pain, and of course, the subjective wholly grail of happiness (joy, purpose, hope).[i]

For anyone who reads this 2.5 billion and 1st blog on presence, I do hope to cut through some of the mess. You don’t need a Ph.D. in psychology to be present and you don’t need 101 tips either. You simply need an awareness and a few basic ideas but it’s easy to get lost.

One place we get lost is in the language around presence. Books on presence could fill a bookstore and if you add digital pieces, you get a Super Walmart stacked to the ceiling. But every person who writes on the topic seems to feel the need to create a new name for it to make themselves stand out and the language complicates more and more.

Tell me if you’ve heard any of these: monotasking, single focus, flow, moment awareness, turning inward, me time, mindfulness, live in the moment, embrace the now, reflective journaling, crouching to self (okay, I made that one up).

All of these have their unique components to be sure, but the essence is the same- be aware of the moment in which you are living.

A second area our path can get crossed is in the timeframe of a “moment”. Presence at the moment doesn’t mean the exact 60 seconds you are in. “The real present moment,” Ryan Holiday said, “is what we choose to exist in, instead of lingering on the past or fretting about the future.” The present moment is the window of time you can choose to let go of the past and not worry or hope for the future. It could be one breath, a dinner with your spouse, an entire day, or even a year if you could hold on to it that long.

Most of us can’t hold onto presence for a few minutes, let alone a year but why does it slip away so quickly?

As Holiday also reminded us, “Being present demands all of us. It’s not nothing. It may be the hardest thing in the world.” Presence slips away because it requires more than we are willing to give up for it.

My 2021 mantra is, “presence in the process”

My 2021 mantra is, “presence in the process” because, well, I am terrible at being present. I haven’t built present habits yet but in working to do so through January, I’ve already seen things I need to give up and ones I need to pick up.

What You Need to Give Up for Presence

Presence might require you to give up:

• Old habits of thinking. According to Adam Grant, our ways of thinking all too often, “become habits that can weigh us down, and we don’t bother to question them until it’s too late.” We’ve built habits of catastrophizing, confirmation-bias, worrying, and regret as ways to feel in control of our lives but they make it impossible to be present. They move our focus to the external and uncontrollable. Be courageous enough to think differently.
• False responsibility. Related to habits of thinking, we tend to believe that it is our responsibility to worry about the future or analyze the past. If we are to take care of our family long-term, we must plan, right? Yes, and remember that your most important job is to be there for them today, this week. Plan for tomorrow but you’re giving yourself a false sense of responsibility by obsessing over the future.
• Your ego. It feels good to share your amazing trip to Hawaii on Instagram. Your ego loves watching more and more people hit that little red heart. It feels just as good to post your vision for the future and have people encourage you to go get it. But being present may require you not to post about everything in your life. Your ego doesn’t want you to be present, it wants you to brag about the past or the future. Give it up, your ego is, after all, your biggest enemy.
• The badge of busy. The most overused humble-brag ever is, “busy.” Ask 10 people how they are doing and I can almost guarantee you’ll hear some form of “busy” from 7 of them.  It comes off as a complaint, but it isn’t. It’s a badge of honor and an ego kick. To be present, you might have to say no to more things. You will have to stop measuring your life by how full your calendar is. You’ll have to learn how to spend an entire day on one thing, instead of a hundred things.

What You Need to Pick Up for Presence

Alright, let me add my ideas to the million ways to be more present on the internet. There are so many things out there that I had to get practical so maybe these can help you too:

• Focusing on a single task at a time. I’ve been a time-boxer ever since listening to Indistractable from Nir Eayl. Recently, I’ve tapped into its true power by actually sticking to the boxes – most of the time. When my schedule says “write the blog” I put close my internet browser, turn off email, and write the blog for as much time as I set aside. The same goes for answering emails, training, posting to social media, and so on. It’s not easy but I can already see how much higher quality my work is when I stick to one thing at a time.
• No (or very little) social media before noon. On my perfect day, I don’t touch my phone until noon. When I can do that, I notice I’ve usually had a great day before noon. It doesn’t happen every day but I’m working toward that by adjusting notification settings and leaving the phone in another room.
• With people, be with people. I’ve taken to leaving my phone in the car when I go to dinner with people or visit friends. I find it way too easy to look at it when conversation lulls and then I become a known phubber (snubbing people by looking at your phone).
• Take a moment. Throughout my day, I actively remember to pause and take in what is happening around and within me. I’ll notice I’m starting to feel anxious about a work project or that I haven’t left my desk in a few hours. Noticing, being present in that moment, allows me to then adjust and adapt.
• Honoring the process. If you’re reading this still, you’re probably rare. Not many folks stick with reading something this long and that can be discouraging for a writer. But Seth Godin reminded me that creativity is “a commitment to the process, not simply the next outcome on the list.” I’m learning to be present in the process and focus less on what might come of it.

Overall, don’t make it so complicated. Presence is a habit of being here. It’s not something you do, it’s something you be.

Let’s free presence from the shackles of being a new-age fad that requires a man bun or 10,000 hours of meditation practice. We need to free presence of our thought habits and obsession with the past and future. Free presence and it will free you.

Weekend Challenge

Let’s start small this weekend. I simply want to challenge you to try something that can help you be more present. You should also give a go at what I think you need to give up and pick up but if you’re not quite that bought in yet, that’s ok.

This weekend, at random times, set a few alarms or reminders in your phone that simply say, “what is this moment?” Whenever that notification comes to you, pause for a brief moment (physically if possible but at least mentally) and take it in. Check-in with your 5 senses – what do you see, hear, smell, feel, and taste at that exact time? This is presence.

You may want to warn the people you hang out with that you might get a glossy look on your face after checking your phone throughout the weekend but this small exercise can begin to build the habit of presence you need.

Start there. Let me know how those moments go and challenge a friend or partner to do this with you.

Presence is overcomplicated sometimes but no need. It’s difficult to be sure. Start small and you’ll get there. I’ll be with you. Presence in the process.

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[i] Check out Growing Young: How Friendship, Optimism, and Kindness Can Help You Live to 100 by Marta Zaraska for more. Chapter 10 is focused on mindfulness, presence, and meditation as a key to longevity.