Last week I went to battle. Not physical battle across the ocean or as some metaphor for a workout. No. I deployed to a mental battle. This war has been raging for most of my life, with my best self entrenched across the field from lies of fear, inadequacy, and anxiety. My relationships and everything I love about life, stranded in no man’s land, waiting to see who the victor would be.
If you have experienced this type of battle or have a loved one who has, you appreciate the fighting metaphor.
Even a few years ago, the battle would have lasted much longer, and the victor would have been much more difficult to determine. Obviously, since I am still here, I have never lost the battle fully. Though, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to imagining that ultimate defeat once or twice.
Last week, after years of lessons learned and battles raged, the fight was shorter. It was equally as intense as the past, but the end was always drawing nearer, and the way to victory was always clear.
Over half of Americans will experience a mental battle like this in their lifetime. Many will be more intense than mine. Some will be less so. All will test the fighter. All will require a strategy. If you find yourself on the mental field of battle, struggling with pain or sadness, you can’t explain contemplating the dark thoughts of, “would people be better off without me?” or “is there really any hope in this whole thing?” I want to offer you my battle plan.
Please note I am not a licensed therapist, nor am I clinically diagnosed with mental illness at this point in my life. However, most people who struggle with what I do are like me. They live normal lives without medical intervention, but the battle is still real. If you are struggling with medical anxiety or depression, please get the help you need from a professional.
Here are ten mental battle strategies I employed this week that have taken me decades to articulate and implement:
- Stay on the battlefield, don’t avoid it.
- In a battle with darkness, you must acknowledge the enemy with clarity. Running from him into a bottle, drug, gym, or screen only gives him more power to advance. Sit with it. Stare it down. Show your courage even if you don’t feel it.
- Don’t talk about it (yet).
- For me, the battle feels like my emotional mind moving at the pace of a Formula 1 car while my rational brain is a 1995 Pinto stuck in neutral. The fix feels like it should be to get my thinking outside of my head, to match the pace of my mind with that of my words. I’ve learned, verbalizing my issues at a Daytona pace is not helpful in the moment. Instead of talking out loud about the battle, I write about it or pray silently. I face it where it is in my mind. Talking will come later once you’ve had a chance to understand it, seek the source of the feelings, and face them. Any earlier than that is venting or ranting and only creates more chaos.
- Acknowledge it to those in your household or relationships.
- The only exception to the previous point is that you should acknowledge your battle to those who live in the closest relational proximity to you. This is not a rant or long-winded session. I will tell my wife, “Babe, I’m struggling with some anxiety or sadness today. Nothing you need or can do to fix it but I want you to know in case I seem to be acting differently.” That’s it. It is not her burden to carry, so I do not ask her to do so.
- Don’t hope to solve it with a life hack.
- Anxiety and melancholy are most often deep-rooted issues hitting the surface. You didn’t life hack your way into the problem, you won’t life hack your way out. Some actions can help you deal with the symptoms, but don’t try to replace the hard work of facing the enemy with hoping to wash him away with cold water, eating a certain thing, or doing pushups. Do those to help with the symptoms btu recognize the real work to be done is intense and arduous.
- Resist the lies of the “grind” culture.
- I’ve tried to work harder to get past anxiety and melancholy. Spoiler: it doesn’t work, at all. “Do more” and “work harder” are great for productivity gurus and when times are good. But in war, smarter work is always better and stillness is often the best offense. To find healing, don’t try to do more or hide in your work. Slow down and do less even for a few minutes and you’ll gain strength.
- Lean into what you can.
- Doing less doesn’t mean do nothing. I find it helpful to maintain some sense of my rhythms and routines. Importantly, I lean into what I need instead of what might look good to others. I might still run but it is slower and easier than my plan. Or I can lift but I switch the days to focus on something easy instead of intensity. I may listen to a podcast instead of reading, or read a fiction book in place of a nonfiction one. Do what you need to, not what you think you should do.
- Celebrate others.
- When I am in a dark place, it is helpful to find the light in the world around me. The best place I know to do this is to look to the people in my life. I am careful with who is in my circle so in my darkest hours, I know they offer light. I don’t always need them to speak to me directly, I just need to see them. I will often take to social media and celebrate someone publicly. I’ll share an accomplishment they’ve had or post something about how they have been a light in my life. Celebrating them reminds me that not all is dark and that the battle is raging but the war is already won.
- Talk about it as reflection.
- Talking becomes incredibly valuable after you have faced the enemy. Once you can articulate exactly how you feel, where you think it originated, and the steps you have to move forward, then you can talk about it with a loved one. This allows them to understand your battle but not pick up the rifle next to you and join in with the real chance of emotional injury. If you need to talk before this, I suggest a good therapist as the place to go.
- Give yourself grace.
- Grace is an undeserved yet full love. In my dark moments, I don’t feel like giving any love to myself. I’d rather tell myself how bad of a person I am or feel guilty for feeling anxious and low when I’ve been blessed with so much. That’s why grace is undeserved – you don’t earn it, you get it. Learn to love who you are even in the darkness.
- Never give up.
- Last week, I was at my lowest on Wednesday morning but by Thursday morning, I was clearly leaving the battlefield. On Wednesday, I thought I would lose for sure but I knew to not give up. The war on the lies in your mind has already been won but if you give up in a battle you sacrifice the victory. In my case, the darkest thoughts come in two flavors. One is relational: “your family, friends, colleagues will be better off without you.” The second is valuation: “you don’t really add value anyway, no one will even notice if you lose this battle so why fight it?” Both of these have driven me to see checking out on my dreams, sabotaging my relationships, and, once, taking my own life as options. But through tragedies of loss in my life, I’ve learned that in no way will people be better off. Instead, they will carry the trauma and pain of loss with them forever on my account. I lost my dad suddenly in 2012 far before his time and I carry that pain every day even a decade later. I always will. I am not, at all, better off without him and no one in your life will be either if the enemy destroys your light. Have your dark hours but know that your light illuminates someone else’s dark hours and they need you.
In this battle of the mind, the enemy’s greatest weapons are lies, fear, and hate. Our greatest weapons are love, relationship, celebration, and conviction. The enemy has strong hours and days, but our victory is already assured into eternity.
In the times where the lies seem like truth and the enemy seems too strong to defeat, remember that no dark hour can block out an eternity of light.
No dark hour can block out an eternity of light.